America and North Korea’s Bad Romance

Morals are for pussies. It’s what the Europeans with their socialism and their tiny defense budgets care about. Power. That’s what I respect. And you know what? Maybe I like bad boys. Maybe tough guys turn me on.

America thinks he and North Korea are in love. North Korea thinks otherwise.

Inspired by President Jackoff himself.


North Korea stepped out of the General Assembly and was immediately accosted.

“Hey, hot stuff,” America said with what he probably thought was a slick grin. He thought wrong. “You got a minute?”

As usual, alarm sirens had been blaring inside North Korea’s head the moment he caught sight of America. The noise made it hard to think as North Korea wondered if “hot stuff” was some kind of joke regarding nuclear fission, or perhaps radiation.

But then he said very sweetly, “Of course.” As he followed America away from the crowd, the sirens wailed even louder. It couldn’t be helped.

“I have to know,” America started with a serious look. “Do you…? Do you love me? Because I feel something between us and I want to know if it’s real.”

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Conscience

“This article says that one in every twenty-five Americans has no conscience and can do whatever they want without experiencing guilt.”

“Listen to this,” China said, tapping his tablet a few times. “This article says that one in every twenty-five Americans has no conscience and can do whatever they want without experiencing guilt.”

“The animals,” North Korea spat. “No wonder they run around the streets slaughtering each other like it’s a sport.”

“What do you think, Korea? Do you have a conscience?”

“Of course I do,” he growled. “I’ve just never had to make use of it. One doesn’t need to feel guilty if one never does anything wrong.”

“Right, of course.”

North Korea carried on, not quite finished yet. “But I am sympathetic, maybe too much for my own good. Even you must understand that there’s a difference between guilt and pity.” He paused. “Well, what about you? No, don’t answer. I already know that you don’t have one. A conscience requires many things you so evidently lack: heart, soul, kindness, empathy–do you want me to go on? I can and I will.”

“But I have all of those things,” China said with an even tone.

North Korea lifted his nose and narrowed his eyes. “I hope you realize how scientifically flawed it is to insist that something exists without being able to prove it.”

“Should I or should I not go to your party?” China ventured.

North Korea hissed. “Fine, ruin the mood!” He scurried to the door, then stopped and turned back. “Listen, I don’t care what you do, and you know that I don’t. But you should come.” Those dark, spiteful eyes narrowed again. “For your sake.”


Notes

Photo by Hans via Pixabay

I wrote this on a whim after glancing at a book in the bookstore and since I had no intention of writing this until that very moment I also lacked the mental energy to draw something. I typed “conscience” into Pixabay and that’s the first thing I go so I said okay I’ll take it. It’s off brand but I am a lazy person.

Trevor Noah and the Bullshit Concept of Offensive Comedy

The myth that comedy will inevitably be offensive.

I just recovered from a near-fatal bout of sickness brought on by what I believe to have been over-buttered mac n’ cheese and I’m writing this on a whim, so bear with me.

If you haven’t heard, it recently came to light that a prominent comedian made a joke at the expense of Aboriginal women and amidst the backlash defend it by saying that he never meant to cause offense. Oh, well that makes it better–because, after all, comedy will always be offensive to someone, right?

Wrong.

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Trump-Kim Summit: The Aftermath

North Korea and China chat about the summit. Meanwhile, America celebrates a win.

North Korea and China chat about the summit. Meanwhile, America celebrates a win.


Opening the door to the office unleashed a herbaceous assault on North Korea’s senses.

“What’s that smell?” he said loudly as soon as he stepped in.

China was half asleep at his desk. He jerked awake, blinked a couple of times, then said, “My oils.”

“Your oils.”

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Current Events: Everyone Wants a Piece of North Korea

Ever since the winter Olympics when the two Koreas took flamethrowers to their chilled and strained relationship, a diplomatic firestorm has been raging in East Asia–and that is not necessarily a bad thing. With an inter-Korea summit and Trump-Kim summit on the rise, the region has been a flurry of wild political activity. But how did this all unfold and what does it mean to and for the countries involved? In this, I try to explain.

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Anakin You’re Breaking My Heart

“If you could say anything to America, openly and honestly, what would you say?”
“I would ask him to please stop being a dumb bitch.”

They sat tucked away in the corner of the cafe, as if this was supposed to be some secret.

Japan had one friend, and that was only inconvenient when she needed to complain about that friend. Germany was the only person she could talk to about this; South Korea wouldn’t care, China was too close to the issue and too cold anyway, Russia couldn’t talk about America objectively. Germany was honest, impassive, cool-headed. Germany would have to do.

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