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18 thoughts on “Contact”

  1. I am hoping you might do a post on why the world hates Britain. They so do! I know being English and being well travelled. I wonder if it’s because of the old empire that my ,’Good morning’ is met with ‘English pig’, in most countries. Australians in particular seem to really dislike English people but not the Scots or Welsh! The Scots allow every country in the world to join their free University placements except the English of course because, ‘Nobody likes you!’ I swear if the Islamic State played football against England all the other little British islands would have a real dilemma who they would support but I don’t think it would be us! I have to say that it is always with a sense of guilt that the English arrive anywhere overseas because we undoubtedly did something very evil to them a few thousand years ago! They have probably been liberated from us or are ancient enemies like the French. We still use rude gestures from the time the French chopped off our archers fingers. Never do a peace sign the wrong way round in the UK you are likely to get punched because we don’t ‘do’ guns. Not even the police…


    1. Poor England. I feel for you. The United States can be pretty unpopular too–for good reasons, of course. Britain’s complicated relationship with the world, which it owned much of at one point, sounds like a good topic to explore in a future story. Thanks for the suggestion!
      (P.S. My mom thinks it’s “nuts” that your police don’t use guns. Oh, cultural differences.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I so agree with your Mom! They do have access to guns when there is an emergency but until then they are locked away in their police cars. It’s illegal in the UK for the public to have guns so really the police don’t often need them. Farmers and hunters have guns and the suicide rates among British farmers by gun shot is quite high!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Love your blog, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me…

    America looked up from the TV as his friend entered the room. “Hey, England.”
    “Gaahhh! You’ve bloody done it again!”
    America raised his eyebrows. England didn’t usually get very emotional. “What?”
    His friend walked over and glared down at him. “My name. You never get my name right.”
    America blinked. Was it the weekend? Does England have a different name at weekends, like ‘Mary’? No, he was pretty sure he’d have known about that. “I’m sorry… what?”
    “It’s not bloody England! Jesus Christ! Do you know the angst that this causes back at home? The Celtic members of my family are incredibly twitchy about it and the rest of us, whilst secretly pleased that we dominate the headlines, just get terribly embarrassed by it all.”
    America nodded. The embarrassment thing was well known. “So are we going all formal then, or just acronyms?”
    America’s friend exhaled and sat down. “Alright, let’s look at the options. ‘The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ is a non-starter. Great for banquets, not so good when chatting to mates.”
    America leaned back and grinned, “So we are still ‘mates’ then? But it’s gonna feel weird man, calling you letters. Do you prefer GB or UK?”
    “Oh God, don’t. Just call me Britain. Unless we’re talking before 1701. Or about Ireland. OK?”
    America smiled. “And then you’re back to being England?”
    Britain looked up, “Yeah, I s’pose.”
    “So,” said America, delicately, “what brought on all this identity crisis?” His eyes widened. “Ooh, it’s that
    EU referendum, isn’t it? Leave the European Union and you run a real risk of losing Scotland. And then what will you call yourself?”
    Britain stood up and tried to express the inner torment. “Just… fuckity fucking fuck!” And he stormed out again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nice bit 😉 I like it.

      The UK was kind of a really weird thing to try to personify; Why you guys gotta be complicated? I decided to go with personifying England, Scotland, Wales, and Nothern Ireland as separate characters because each of these places have a strong sense of national identity and I didn’t wanna take that away from anyone. (References to the individual countries are always “he/she” while references to GB/UK are always “they”) England is my designated “representative” for GB/UK in the stories because it’s just easier to have one character, rather than four, do the talking. Writer’s laziness? I can see the potential for, as you said, angst and I keep telling myself I need to write about the other UK guys more so people know that I know they exist. Yet, my brain keeps saying, “Hey write a new thing about North Korea.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks! 🙂
        I totally understand about the 4 characters but I guess most of that works at a local level (or medieval period). It’d actually be pretty entertaining to have the other 3 standing behind England either making faces or heckling – until some other country pushes England and Scotland nuts them in retaliation, Wales bodyslams them to the floor and Norn Ir’n kicks them in the head, saying “No-one pushes our man but us…”
        Or go for a split personality character. Actually, I think Britain/England should be slightly schizophrenic. In any scene, look at what they’re wearing; jeans and t-shirt signify beer drinking and raucous japery whilst a tie indicates reserved manners and excessive drinking of tea. If they’re in tie and jeans they’re in a REALLY confused state… (more common than you’d imagine).


      2. Do it! Occasionally let them take it in turns to represent GB/UK.

        “Where’s England?”
        “Errr, he’s a bit tied up, ye ken?”
        Brazil glances out of the window, eyes narrowing. “Isn’t that him out there. Under the wiry man dressed half in green and half in orange? And why is that big fellow with the dragon flag singing at them?”
        Scotland grinned, “Ach, it’s complicated.” He downed a shot of golden liquid that Brazil swore hadn’t been there a moment before. “You’ll no be having a drink, hen?”

        Liked by 2 people

      3. What you just wrote sounded so British that I think I just had a spiritual experience. Beautiful. When I start getting paper I’ll have to pay you to write the British lines. (In the meantime, I’ll have to watch The Office UK and hope something rubs off)

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Heh, you don’t have to pay. Let me know the scenario and I’ll Hugh Grant / Billy Connelly / et al my way through it and tell you how they’d react. Probably either in a fight or a nice cup of tea.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Not half, our kid. My actual job involves speech analytics; my parent company is in the US and I’ve worked with a few US clients so have picked up some good info on the differences between our versions of English. Mind you, we probably have an even greater distribution of peculiar phrases within the UK. We can’t even agree on what to call a small bread object:

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks 🙂
      I like the fact that we’re a discordant bunch of identities that somehow pull together as one entity. A bit like the EU. The thought of ending up as little England outside in the cold is miserably depressing, which I know tends to suit our mentality and weather, but it won’t be fun.

      Liked by 1 person

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