Big Dick Energy Report 2018

The United States of America has released the 2018 Big Dick Energy (BDE) Report for the purpose of strategically ranking foreign countries according to the size and power of their BDE.

Ranking of Countries with the Strongest BDE:

  1. China
  2. Russia
  3. North Korea
  4. Philippines
  5. Brazil

Ranking of Countries with the Weakest BDE:

  1. Germany
  2. France
  3. Canada
  4. Mexico
  5. United Kingdom

Simply put, the countries with the strongest BDE all had several key characteristics: tough on crime, tough on borders, and tough on fake news and mainstream media. China, Russia, and North Korea’s BDE rankings were bolstered further due to their tendencies toward regional militarism. In other words, they have massive balls and are not afraid to swing them around. While I do not condone North Korea’s swinging, I do admire a good show of strength.

On the other hand, the weakest countries shared common flaws: they are weak on immigration, support globalism, lean toward progressivism and liberalism, lack military might, and annoy me.

I conclude my report by stating that if I were to have included myself in this analysis, I would rank among those with the strongest BDE, just under China and just above Russia–just the way I like it.

***

When America saved the report then stepped away from his computer, he did not notice the screen go black then begin to flash with pixelated code.

ERROR 28591
SYSTEM ERROR
INITIATE OVERRIDE
EXECUTE ./REDSCARE.RUN

***

The next day, the following report was declassified and published by WikiLeaks (and then submitted to the Library of Congress shortly after):

Ranking of Countries with the Strongest BDE:

  1. Russia
  2. China
  3. North Korea
  4. Philippines
  5. Brazil

Among the weakest? The United States, Ukraine, and Germany, to name a few.

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