North Korea and China chat about the summit. Meanwhile, America celebrates a win.
Opening the door to the office unleashed a herbaceous assault on North Korea’s senses.
“What’s that smell?” he said loudly as soon as he stepped in.
China was half asleep at his desk. He jerked awake, blinked a couple of times, then said, “My oils.”
China pointed to the diffuser on the end table by the window. North Korea sneered.
“You know it’s all bullshit, don’t you? They never helped me once.”
“Some cases of anxiety are too severe to be cured by herbs alone.” China straightened his collar, still trying to wake up. “Why did you barge in?”
“Why did I–you mean the thing that happened five minutes ago that you said nothing about until now?” China just gave him The Look–the one that said You’re beginning to annoy me but I’m going to humor you because I respect civility. “You mean you don’t want to hear about the summit?”
“Of course I do, I just wish you’d call ahead sometimes.”
“I’m spontaneous. It’s who I am.”
No point in arguing with North Korea about this. Or anything. China adopted a softer expression.
“How did it go?”
“You saw the pictures didn’t you?” North Korea said in such a way that made it sound like China was stupid for not already knowing the answer.
“You looked happy.”
“I wasn’t.” North Korea went quiet for a moment as he watched the fish drift through the water under the glow of the aquarium light. “I feel only one emotion–disgust. It just happens that sometimes I experience it with lesser intensity.”
“Then you must not have been troubled by your disgust much at all today, as America is quite good at being a compliant idiot.”
“It was nice,” North Korea said, “to see our flags side by side.”
“Nice to avoid being shackled to an Iran Deal?”
“Nice to avoid war.”
China looked down at this phone and hesitated, pondering his next words.
“I saw him say that the summit has completely eliminated the nuclear threat.”
“It hasn’t. As long as he is a threat to me, I will be a threat to him. That’s how this works.” North Korea moved away from the tank and started tiding up the room–straightening the pens into a perfect row, making sure the books on the bookshelf were pushed all the way in, reorganizing the decorative knickknacks by size and matching color.
“But what does he know?” North Korea said as he worked. “He’s lost so many brain cells that he’s barely functional on a diplomatic level. But I’m smart so I can adapt.” A side glance. “You should get smart too, China. He likes you because he doesn’t have a brain, but you can’t get by on your charm alone. Your US strategy lacks vision.”
China leaned back against his chair and arched a brow. “Lacking vision? I beg to differ.”
North Korea stopped in front of the desk and looked China dead in the eyes.
“Alright, then beg.”
“I’m just doing so much winning,” America said during a presser. “North Korea and I are best friends now. It’s almost as good as my relationship with China–who I’m definitely married to, if anyone asks. I love them both–I love them both and I love Russia. But do you know who I don’t love? Europe. They’re all–I’m gonna say something and it’s going to be controversial but you can’t stop me–they’re all pussies. Just–just despicable, despicable countries who try to hate on me and my friends. Complete and total losers. Leeches! There’s a reason why I’m winning and they’re not, okay?”
He popped open a Diet Coke and tossed it back, consuming the entire drink in just a few gulps.
“People always whine, ‘Oh, America, you don’t have a coherent foreign policy, blah blah. You don’t have guiding principles, cry cry.’ You wanna know what my philosophy is? My doctrine? It’s ‘I’m America, bitch.'”
He held out the soda can, crushed it in his hand, let it drop to the ground, threw his sunglasses on, and flipped the bird before hopping into his gold-plated Hummer.
Kim Jong un did not visit China after the Singapore Summit. When dealing with a mostly fictional universe, you gotta bend the rules sometimes. I just really needed North Korea to be physically in the office to add the unnecessary and unfunny line about the oil diffuser. It be like that sometimes.