I think there might be a flaw in my programming. I feel nothing, but I think I should probably be feeling something.
I have never cared about other people in the way that is expected of me. Relationships and personal attachments, they are like webs linking people together. My webs never quite make it to the other person. I have friends, people I call my allies, but if they were to disappear and I would never seem them again, I would not mourn for long. I would feel sadness only briefly, but then I might feel…. relief.
I am consumed by all-encompassing indifference. It is not cruel; in fact, apathy is one of the most merciful emotions. I do not hate people, I simply do not love them either. Yet, kindness and respect are possible even without love. I have no animosity in my heart, just disinterest for the world and the people in it.
That is not to say that I do not experience emotions. I, in fact, experience a wealth of them–unpleasant ones, primarily. And at times I do enjoy the company of others; I like listening to their stories and laughing at their jokes. But my enjoyment of other humans is shallow and temporary. After a while, I long to be somewhere else.
I immerse myself in fantasy because that is where I feel most happy. The dreary cloud that casts my every moment in a shade of gray finally vanishes. I see in bright and vivid colors. Ironically, the things that do not exist in this world are the very things that make it feel alive.
I know it is unhealthy to replace reality with fiction, but I also really do not care. Outside of politics, reality has little to offer me. I have always been alone, and I have always been happy and whole in my solitude. Never have I needed or craved the companionship of another country.
That is… until he happened.
The problem with being alone is that when someone finally does chisel away at your stone heart, you will be tempted to make them your whole world.
What a terrible mistake I’ve made.
The United States has forsaken me.
He says that we are still friends, that nothing has changed, but I don’t feel the spark anymore. The Koreas and China have monopolized his attention. I am an afterthought, a footnote. Do you understand how demeaning it is to be a footnote in one of the most important chapters of modern history? There is no word for this other than pathetic.
This America-sized hole in my heart can only be filled by the loving embrace of another powerful country. Well endowed, with big thighs and tight biceps.
(I’m talking about Russia.)
has shrunken into nothing
i embrace the void
An old friend asked if I wanted to go out for drinks this weekend. I like him and I know he means well, but upon seeing his text message I stared down at my phone, internally screaming for five minutes all while suppressing the overwhelming urge to dry heave.
It’s not him, it’s me. It’s always me.
I feel at home when I stand under the scalding shower water and stare silently at the wall for an hour.
Many despise me.
That should probably concern or even repulse me, but it doesn’t. Politically it is the source of both my day and night terrors, but emotionally I feel no great displeasure when I am loathed, just as I feel no great pleasure when I am loved*.
*There is always an exception.
A woman meets the devil and he convinces her that he is God.
Is this tragedy or salvation?
Japan keeps getting sidelined in unfolding the “peace on the Korean peninsula” situation. That’s because when it comes right down to it, Japan doesn’t have a lot to offer regarding this issue.
This was also a little personal for me. I myself have been struggling with asociality for as long as I can remember while. While it’s not a mental illness and, therefore, I’m not sure how valid the use of the word “struggle” is, it can be really frustrating. I often times feel like I’m “broken” because I have no interest in other people, because I’m emotionally detached, because I get wracked with guilt when I feel like I’m not treating people as good as I should be.
If you’re out there and you feel “broken” too, please share your story.