Holy

Democracy is a plague and revolutions are the rats through which the disease spreads. If not purged, it will sow chaos in Europe.


Russia stood at the head of the table and made sweeping gestures, the gold adornments on her uniform bobbing and swishing with her movements. “Today is a momentous occasion–the birth of our Most Holy and Indivisible Trinity!” Her powerful voice filled the hall. “To begin the celebration, we shall make a toast in honor of our beautiful sisterhood.” The three women raised their glasses and a round of clicks echoed off the walls.

Both Russia and Prussia immediately dropped their glasses to the ground–the shattering sound startling Austria so badly that she jumped and cringed–grabbed a bottle of wine, and tossed the alcohol back hungrily. Purple started dripping down Prussia’s chin. Russia was drinking so fast that she began to grunt. Austria, quietly sipping from her glass, cleared her throat at them several times but was largely ignored.

“Now we will each read one of the three pillars of the Holy Alliance,” Russia said in a gasp once the bottle was empty. She extended a hand to the parchment at the center of the table then read aloud the carefully scribed words.

“We three Monarchs agree to protect and preserve the Christian faith. Though we may be of different churches, we are united as a sisterhood devoted first and foremost to God, to each other, and to defending religion, peace, and justice.”

When Russia sat, Prussia stood and continued with the second article. “We shall uphold the tradition of monarchy and the divine right bestowed upon us by God to rule absolutely.”

Russia banged her fists on the table and cheered gleefully. “Absolute power! Absolute power! Absolute power!”

Austria popped up and read the final article. “We great Monarchs shall utilize these truths and sacred principles to shape the destinies of mankind by protecting our Home from the scourge of nationalism, by crushing liberalism, by suppressing revolutions, and by driving out secularism wherever necessary.”

“Purge the sickness!” Prussia bawled as she cracked open–literally cracked open–a second bottle of wine. “Purify Europe with fire!”

After their mission statement had been read (though not fully, because there was a fourth part scribbled hastily at the bottom of the paper that read: “We denounce the heathens known as the United Kingdom, whom shall never be allowed into our alliance.”), they settled into their seats and relaxed.

“Shall we discuss it, ladies?” Austria asked. “Our triumph over France?”

Prussia threw back her head and let out a hearty laugh, but didn’t actually say anything.

“I was thinking,” Russia started as she passed the food around, “that we might talk about something different.”

“Different?” Prussia didn’t look up from the piping hot potato she was busting open with her bare hands.

“I meant that maybe we could talk about things other than violence and war.” Russia’s eyes moved to Austria, who gasped and clutched her chest.

Prussia stared at Russia as she sucked the potato’s soft innards out like it was some kind of fruit; the gaze was so intense that Russia started to sweat. After the vegetable’s empty skin-shell dropped to the plate, Prussia said, “What are you saying, Russia? That there’s more to life than hatred and conflict?” Her eyes narrowed. “Have you gone soft?”

“Prussia, it’s as if you didn’t just hear me say that we’re committed to defending peace! Listen, I like hatred and conflict just as much as anyone, but that’s all we ever talk about. I’m tired of it. We have personal lives, don’t we? For instance, Austria,” she turned, “how’s the family?”

Austria pursed her lips. “Well, the Holy Roman Empire is still very dead,” she stopped to make a quick sign of the cross, “and though I myself have become an empire only a short time ago, I think I’m holding it all together perfectly fine, don’t you?” Neither of the ‘ussias said anything. “Hungary seems bothered by something, but perhaps my restlessness is stirring the same in him.”

Russia’s face lit up. “Speaking of! I’ve heard rumors that you might have taken an interest in him.”

Austria looked like she’d just been struck with lightning. “Excuse me?”

“I’m not wrong, am I?”

“He may be handsome, but…” Austria began fidgeting with her napkin. “But he is more my subject than anything else, and, therefore, wholly inferior to me in nearly every way.” She blushed, and it was not from embarrassment or the alcohol. “It would be waste of my time and energy to pursue any sort of elevated relationship with someone like him.”

“That sounds exactly like love,” said Russia. “You two should get married!” At that, both she and Austria broke out in bubbling laughter so forced that Prussia started to feel uncomfortable.

“What about you, Russia?” Prussia, fist full of sausages, shouted above them. “You write letters to Britain’s man-child, don’t you? Are they love letters?”

“Oh, Russia!” Austria said with a sigh. “You always did like the ones who are weaker and smaller than you.”

With a big, plastic smile stuck to her face, Russia kept nodding her head in a circle motion–not necessarily in agreement, but rather like there was a screw loose in her neck. “He’s not weak,” she said finally. “What about you, Prussia? Do you have a love life?”

Prussia waved a hand dismissively, then scoffed for extra measure. “I’ve yet to meet anyone who can impress me.”

“What about Poland?” Russia suggested. “Not too long ago she took some territory from Austria–”

For no particular reason, Austria started to scrap a fork against her plate to create an awful sound.

“Russia,” Prussia’s mouth was just slightly agape, “you joined that war alongside Poland.”

Russia swatted the air. “Oh, but I wasn’t really helping her. I was still Austria’s ally. She knew that! Isn’t that right, Austria?”

Austria nodded fully, but the corner of her mouth might have started to twitch.

“Well, anyway, I’m not interested in Poland.”

Russia sank deeper into thought.  “Well, how about…?” Her voice trailed off.

The task was difficult. Most of the great European powers were sitting at that table, and the remaining ones–France and the United Kingdom–were completely unacceptable. The Ottoman Empire may have been an absolute monarchy, but he was very much not a Christian. Of course, there were other formidable countries out there beyond Europe’s borders, but long-distance relationships were so much work in 1815. It was also a fact that while Europe did indeed have many wars, most of the recent ones involved at least one of the three members of the Holy Alliance. The most recent victors were, too, one of the three.

A pattern was evident, and Prussia spoke up to say what was already on everyone’s minds.

“I think the problem is that the only people who will ever be good enough for us are us.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Austria added, “though I hardly see it as a problem.”

“So, then you could agree more,” said Prussia.

“Of course!” Russia became very animated. “We were so caught up in looking for love out there that we failed to see the true love we have in here. That is, our pious sisterhood and the unbreakable bond between three God-fearing women of the crown!”

“Amen!” Prussia smashed a plate against the table, once again startling Austria. “Let’s give this special day a worthy end. On three, we cheer! One–”

Russia let out a roar before leaping up and flipping the entire table over, dishes and food crashing onto the floor. Austria started shrieking, though one could not be sure if it was in celebration or in panic. Prussia scrambled around on the floor, grabbing at the bottles of booze that hadn’t yet broken and stuffing them into her arms like she was cradling a clinging child.

“For God!”

“For power!”

“For sorority!”

“May we smite the liberal heathens with thunder and fury!”

“Hallelujah!”

“F͉̟̼̺̥̫̥I̹̣̠̩R̪̩̪͙̯̠Ȩ ̠̪̣̩F̴̦̱I̺͚̭R̜͙̼̗E̘͙͉͉ ̲̺̥̪̱̭͙F̻̹͎̲͠I̤̳̳̣R͖͉̫̼Ę̦̣̰͈!”

An onlooker might at first be frightened by the shouting and the guffawing, but eventually he’d just smile and carry on his way. After all, girls will be girls.


Notes

Russia’s letters to America may have been romantic, but they were more likely about Latin American uprisings, in which the Russian Empire had repeatedly asked the US to intervene. America, opposed to European intervention in North America and soon to establish the Monroe Doctrine (1823), politely declined.

If anyone is wondering, the Holy Alliance didn’t last long and the “sisterhood” was not as strong as you might think. Nor did they really strike down many “heathens.” From Wiki:

The Austro-Russian alliance finally broke up in the Crimean War: though Russia had helped to completely destroy the Hungarian Revolution of 1848, Austria did not take any action to support her ally, declared herself neutral and even occupied the Wallachian and Moldavian lands on the Danube upon the Russian retreat in 1854. Thereafter, Austria remained isolated, which added to the loss of her leading role in the German lands, culminating in the defeat of the Austro-Prussian War in 1866.

Austria: *Sees Russia getting thoroughly thrashed* Hm, well, not my problem.
Russia: Didn’t I help you crush the Hungarian Revolution a few years ago?
Austria: And didn’t I thank you? Oh, don’t mind me, just grabbing this lovely land you left behind while you were retreating!
Russia: Сука Блять

Years Later

Russia: Oh, Austria, are you getting destroyed by Prussia? Hmmm 🙂 Wouldn’t it :))) be nice :))) if you had some :)))) friends :))))) ???

(Note: I do know the Russian smiley looks like this ) not this :))

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