50 Shades of Authoritarianism: A New Era in Russia-US Relations

Header image for 50 Shades of Authoritarianism. Featuring Russia with her arms around America

They sat close together on the couch and watched the crackling fire with half-lidded eyes. The wine in their glasses almost matched the color of her lips and America couldn’t quite figure out which of the two was more intoxicating.

Russia let out a small, contented sigh. “I must admit that I’m impressed.”

“Go on.”

She used the back cushion to prop her elbow up, resting her chin on her knuckles as she turned to him. “You actually overcame your small-minded bullishness and reached out to me in hopes of taking our relationship in a new direction.”

“I love it when you berate me.”

“Was that mean?” He felt her hand brush against his knee. Suddenly the room got much hotter and he tugged his collar. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve wanted this for such a long time.”

He leaned in closer and the perfume she’d sprinkled on her neck before coming over filled his nose.”You know, Russia, there’s a lot about you that I admire. Like your,” his eyes darted downward for just a second, “iron grip on power and your hacking skills. You’re so good at hacking.”

“Well, you make it so easy.” She took a sip from her glass and for a second he found himself fantasizing about where else her lipstick might leave a mark that night. “Do you know what I like about you?”


“You hate NATO,” he shivered when her fingertips danced up his leg, “and that’s sexy.”

“Well, NATO is garbage.”

Russia bit her lip. “Yes, yes–keep going.”

“I’m thinking of cutting my NATO spending and removing my troops from Eastern Europe.” He stopped a second when she moaned deeply. “Uhh, yeah, removing my troops until those, uhh, those freeloaders pay up.”

He saw her squeeze her thighs together before brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. “Oh, goodness, it’s suddenly so warm in here…”

“God, isn’t it?”

“Here, let me help you.” She began unbuttoning the first few buttons of his shirt before coaxing him in a husky voice. “Now, go on. Keep saying things I want to hear.”

“Oh, well, you’re a strong leader. You don’t take shit from anybody.”

“Especially not from an inferior moron like yourself.”

“I’m letting that slide because you’re so attractive right now.”

She weaved her fingers through his hair while pouting. “Attractive enough for you to lift my sanctions?”

“I mean, it’s not completely off the table. It’s a, uhh, it’s a possibility?”

“I can’t have indecision, America!” His eyes shot open when she climbed onto his lap, grabbed his face, and stared him down with the look of a wolf in heat. “Tell me that you’ll pull back the sanctions, you filthy animal!”

“Oh, okay, I–I probably could, in return for someth–”

She wet her lips and groaned in frustration and need, bouncing in his lap as she did so.”It’s not good enough! It’s not–”

“Okay! I’ll defund NATO and I’ll lift the sanctions and I’ll veto all the same UN resolutions you do and–!”

“Oh, yes! Yes!”

He wasn’t sure how it happened, and so quickly at that, but he was on his back and she was straddling his waist and he was staring up at the Ural Mountains and Florida had risen for the pledge of allegiance.

And what happened next, well….

If this gets 500 likes I’ll write a real erotica version.

If this gets 5000 likes I’ll replace America and Russia with Trump and Putin in the real erotica version.

Donald Trump has a thing for Putin’s Russia and that’s not even a reactionary ~liberal~ opinion.  Trump has been soft on Russia and hard on everyone else (allies included) and he constantly kisses Putin’s ass via Twitter. It’s not like Trump is pledging loyalty to Putin, but it’s true that he’s looking to change the current state of US-Russia relations. This signifies a major departure from foreign policy norms (see example).

Would a change in relations be good or bad? Let me know what you think in the comment section.

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