Seize the means of destruction

Skeleton chainsaw
Photo by Rakka

North Korea cried when he saw The Human Centipede.

Romania remembered sitting next to him on the couch and hearing a soft sniffle. She remembered turning to him and seeing those fiery dark eyes subdued by misty sorrow as a single tear streamed down his cheek.

“Someone poured his heart into directing this,” North Korea said in a broken voice,
and it’s one of the worst wastes of cinema I have ever witnessed. They’re eating defecation. Time, effort, and money. Wasted. On shit. The shit they’re eating out of each other’s anus. ‘Feed her.‘ Dammit.”

He threw up moments later.


It was no secret that Romania loved all genres of horror, from slashers to psychological thrillers to absurd hauntings and demonic possessions. Most of all, she loved the hardcore gore flicks of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. She claimed it wasn’t the violence that was appealing, but the comical excess of it.

It was also no secret that she and North Korea had a history of dictatorial friendship during the Cold War. Out of the kindness of her heart (or maybe just pity), she invited him to “movie night” every now and again.

More and more these days, she was starting to reevaluate the goodness of movie night.


Just as Romania was getting really into Texas Chainsaw Massacre,  when North Korea grabbed the remote and stopped the film.

“This is disgusting.”

She was deadpan. “That’s the point.”

“Morally, it’s deplorable.” Romania just raised her brows and let him continue. “It’s a disgrace to cinema. Him. He’s meant to be the villain, right?” North Korea marched over to the TV and pointed at the crazed Leatherface. “He has no passion in his eyes.When I look at him, I can’t tell that he loves what he does.”

“Probably because he’s wearing a mask.”

“Who is he hiding from, Romania? The director? I would be. What a joke.” North Korea resumed the film, watched for a little more, then paused again. “Why is the heroine so helpless and weak?”

“She’s not exactly supposed to be a heroine.”

“Then what is she fighting for? What keeps her going?”

“Her will to not get sawed in half?”

“How selfish.” Then North Korea said directly to the woman on the screen, “Why didn’t you fight for your friends? You should be ashamed.”

Romania pointed at the TV. “He has a chainsaw.”

“And? If she doesn’t retaliate, then what’s the point? A film is useless if it doesn’t teach us a lesson. What’s the lesson here? To avoid visiting the graves of one’s deceased relatives? That’s an incredible disrespectful message to give people! But if we instead make the villain a greasy businessman from a greedy country like China–”


“–then we start to concrete a salvageable plot. What should we fear in life? Exploitation of the working class, of the weak. That is scarier than ‘Scream’ or Michael Moore.”

“Michael Myers, you mean?”

“I know what I said.”

He returned to his seat. The movie resumed. Romania proceeded to pick at the popcorn and sip fruit punch. North Korea sat there with folded arms, shaking his head every so often. At the end, while the credits were rolling, he turned to her and said simply, “Let me envision a perfect ending.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“The bad guy catches Sally and murders her. Her body is left on the side of the road to rot. Then the truck driver finds her there. In her cold dead hand is a piece of paper that says the words ‘corruption.’ It’s a message for the town. The deaths of Sally and her friends stir a fervor within their neighbors. They rally together and as one, march onto the villain’s dwelling. This would include a combination of  wide angle and incredibly up-close camera shots of the people bravely walking together through the night, torches and weapons in their hands. The music would be deep and bold… orchestral. Why are they so angry? Is it because of the serial killings or the way the villain desecrated a family homestead? No, not at all. It’s because they discover the bad guy has been conspiring with a corrupt foreign company to start cutting down the nearby forest–the company claims it will provide more housing but it’s really just going to disrupt the environment and only provide homes for the financial elite! No one consented to this! The impassioned and enraged people drive the villain out of their town. He flees to China. The community rejoices with song and dance, honoring the deaths of their fallen comrades.”

Romania felt chills run up her arms, but it wasn’t from the story. It was from North Korea’s steely, unwavering eyes and how they pierced her very soul.

“Do you understand, Romania?” He asked in a voice to match his visage. “Sally died to expose Leatherface as a bourgeois bastard.”

In that moment, Romania swore she felt God.

Happy Halloween!


Been working on a big project lately so I didn’t have the time to write a proper thriller for Halloween, but at least now you know all about North Korea’s passion for cinema. And about his weariness of Chinese economic expansionism which he views as an infringement on his sovereignty. 👍

I had to do a little research on human centipede and that was unfortunate because one minute I was hungry and the next I never wanted to eat again.

If you want, you can read Kim Jong-il’s manifesto about moive making: The Cinema and Directing. You can also watch a funny documentary inspired by it called AIM HIGH IN CREATION.

Start a discussion

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.