Salty North Korean kimchi

Last week, the Philippines announced a foreign policy pivot away from the US and toward China, saying “America has lost.” But that wasn’t all it said.

At the end of what was supposed to be a feel-good film (think: Chinese Homeward Bound), North Korea was crying. But that was normal. What actually concerned China was his friend’s response to a tweet Philippines made earlier that day.


“Why are you trying to pick a fight with Philippines?” China asked as he reached for the basket of shrimp chips.

North Korea’s tear-stained face scrunched up as he put on his classic scowl. “She defies the United States for once and suddenly thinks she has the right to place herself among countries who have hated him for decades?”

“Oh my god. You’re jealous.”

“I am angry! ‘Us against the world?’ Ha! Try suffering at the hands of American aggression for seventy years. I mean, what does she do to piss off the United States daily? Is she developing nuclear weapons? Is she the target of jokes and racist cartoons and mangled Western media perversions as often as I am?”

“I can feel it. The heat radiating from you. Would you like a cold towel?”

North Korea sneered as he stood. “Would you like to stop being an ass? You remember that she hated you just a few months ago, don’t you? Now she’s suddenly your best friend? Ridiculous. I was being problematic with you and Russia before it was ‘cool.’ Okay?” He started storming off–backward, though, so he could show China his angry look all the way out. “Remember that.”

Then China said, “You forgot your beer,” to a door that had already been pulled tightly shut with indignation.

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