5 Reasons Why the Fourth of July Kicks Ass

Guest post written by the United States of America. He implores you to follow his Twitter and like his Facebook page if you love yourself.

God bless me

Happy birthday to me!

[Cue trumpets blaring the Star-Spangled Banner as a flock of bald eagles soar over the White House]

It’s ya boy, the United States aka: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, America the Beautiful, Great Satan, Yankee Bastard, Thicc N Creamy, Mr. Melting Pot, Capitalist Extraordinaire.

Today marks the day I went from being Britain’s bitch to being the (objectively) greatest country in the world. But you guys probably already know all about that. So instead of giving you a history lesson, I’m gonna give you five reasons why July 4th is the best holiday ever.

  1. Fireworks are awesome. Especially illegal ones. There’s nothing quite as thrilling as setting one off and wondering whether or not you’re gonna lose a hand in the process. Although most cities have their own viewing traditions, there are a few places where the fireworks show is significantly more BADASS than other places: The National Mall,  Kaboom Town, Music City, Lake Tahoe, and San Francisco Bay. But you want in on  secret? Find yourself a pack of rednecks out in the hicks and watch one of their shows. Man, those guys are wild.
  2. Cookouts are delicious. Yeah, so maybe people do cookouts all summer. But on July 4th people do American themed cookouts, and that’s the beauty of it. Cookouts are great for one reason: beef. Fire up the grill. Slap on the beef. Want one burger? Nah, make it a double. Beef on beef action. Put seasoning on that shit. Bring on the ketchup and mustard. You see where I’m going with this? BEEF.
  3. People are patriotic. I can’t think of anything better than being celebrated. Remember how good it felt when all the kids in the neighborhood gathered around and watched you open up presents? On July 4th, I feel that except like x100. I’ve got hardcore patriotic music playing all day. Straight up blaring through the outside speakers. Yes, Mexico and Canada hate it. No, I don’t care.
  4. England is salty. He pretends like he stopped caring centuries ago but it’s a gosh damn farce. He’ll be at the pub trying to drink away his failure as a parent. Then he’ll turn up to my party drunk off his ass and just sitting in the corner slowly shoving cake in his mouth like a miserable sop. No, I’m not embellishing. This is 100% true. To this day he’ll call my War for Independence “Rebellion Day.”
  5. Concerts are loud. And I love music. Especially loud music about me. 4th of July concerts typically consist of either country music or pop music, with a nice injection of nationalism (think: “God Bless America” and “America the Beautiful”).  Personally, I like to listen to a bit of Kanye West in between all the Katy Perry and Johnny Cash. His self-obsessed, arrogant, narcissistic music is exactly what gets me in the perfect July 4th mood.

I hope now it’s abundantly clear why today is amazing. And I hope even more that everyone has as good a day as I am. Right now I’m ’bout to get everything all set up for the party tonight. Booze? Check. Red-white-n-blue themed party foods? Check. Beef? Check. Shamelessness? Check.

Finally, I wanna give a shoutout to my buddies Canada and Hong Kong, who earned their independence from Britain on July 1st. My special day may overshadow yours in every way, but that doesn’t mean you should be forgotten. Rock on, ladies.

America, out.

Enjoyed this story and want more FREEDOM? Great, because I’ve got a few more independence themed stories you might wanna check out.

Also, check out this cool song because it totally fits my independence day:

15 thoughts on “5 Reasons Why the Fourth of July Kicks Ass

  1. What a poorly written article. You should like a self-entitled brat. Learn to speak with a proper sense of dignity and respect for yourself. You are also quite delusional and arrogant to assume that England is actually still upset about your departure.


  2. Enjoy the fireworks while you can… Soon your sky will be set ablaze by my missiles raining fire down on Washington.


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