In 1975, several members of the United Nations tried to think of a way to further inflate their sense of self-importance. The result was the Group of Six or the G6, a forum of the world’s leading industrial countries.
German, Japan, and Italy got invited into this Cool Kids Club, which felt really awkward at first because they were the “bad guys” during WWII (but whatever; industrialization is industrialization).
Years later, they invited Canada and became the G7. Then came Russia in 1997, which gave us the G8. But just as the G7 became the G8 because of Russia, in 2014, the G8 became the G7 because of Russia.
Russia walked into the G8 conference room to find seven empty chairs and a single jackass with his back turned to her.
America swiveled his chair around slowly, revealing himself like some dramatic movie villain. “Hello, Russia.”
She cracked a smile. “This should be fun.”
“For me, yeah.”
Russia slid into a chair across from America’s and crossed one leg over the other. “Let’s see… We’re alone, you’re trying–but failing–to intimidate me, and I’ve only just arrived but you’re already upset.” She paused. “Is this a date?”
“Unfortunately, no,” America said as he leaned forward and folded his hands together. “I’m here to tell you that we’re kicking you out.”
Her eyes narrowed and she cocked her head to the side. “Kicking me out?”
“England said he wouldn’t mind being the one to tell you, but I wanted to. I was very adamant about that.”
“Kicking me out… of the G8?”
“Oh yeah.” She laughed. He didn’t feel the same.”This is funny to you?”
“You’re kicking me out because I lawfully absorbed a territory that rightfully belongs to me?”
“You say lawful absorption, I hear illegal annexation.”
He put up a hand. “Hey, hey, let me answer your question.” So she resentfully held her tongue. “Yes. On a small scale, it is because of what you pulled in Crimea. And I’m sure everyone’s been giving you hell about this for days now, but the remaining G7 members wanted to, just, you know, give you a personal little goodbye message.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out folded piece of notebook paper. “Alright. England said, ‘Russia, you’re a terrible person, and that’s a lot coming from me.’ France said, ‘England is right. Oh my god, did I really just say that?’ Germany said, ‘What you did was a violation of international law and that is unacceptable.’ Japan said, ‘Oh, shit. I think I left my DS on in the car,’ to which Italy responded, ‘Oh no! I hope you saved your progress!’ Then Canada told me, ‘Please don’t write that down.’ And I wasn’t gonna. Until she said that.”
Stoic and silent, Russia stared at him as he spoke. Then she smiled wide, red lips parting to show white teeth. It was the smile she always put on whenever she felt threatened.
“I have a message for them, too,” she said. “Poshlí ná khuy.”
America slipped the paper back into his pocket. “I’ll be sure to let them know.” Then he cleared his throat and turned his attention back to her. “So, I actually only half-answered the question.”
“Oh, good. There’s more.”
“Crimea was one thing, but on a larger scale, we’re suspending your membership because you’re a danger to every country east of Germany.”
“No different from you, then?”
“We can play this game all you want, but at the end of the day, I haven’t done anything horrible enough to get me thrown out of an international forum. But when I do, by all means, please make me feel as bad as I’m making you feel.”
“You’re not making me feel bad at all, America. The G8—”
“—the G7 is not a club, nor does it have official membership. Saying that I’ve been ‘kicked out’ means nothing to me. I certainly won’t lose sleep over this.”
“Too bad Ukraine can’t say the same.”
“Guilt does not work on me, America. You know this.”
“Yeah, but I like trying anyway.”
Later that evening, Russia released a statement on her blog highlighting the hypocrisy of the G7 members. She targeted America in particular, whose annexation of Hawaii and Texas in the 19th century she made sure to mention.
America made a quick reply:
Well, thank God the G7 didn’t exist back then.
This song is a cool little tune that I think not only fits both America and Russia individually (“Tell me I’m exceptional, I promise to exploit you”) but has themes that go great with the overall history of modern US-Russia relations (“I think that you’re a joke but I don’t find you very funny”).
poshlí ná khuy: This is the Cyrillic to Roman translation of пошли́ на́ хуй, which is a way to tell people to “eff off” in Russian. My super trustworthy brother, who took several years of Russian, said it was a fairly accurate translation. In the illustration, Russia is saying a variation of the insult, but it means basically the same thing.
You can learn more about Russia’s G8 suspension here, which goes into a little bit of detail about the annexation of Crimea and the overall Russia-Ukraine conflict and America’s role in it.
For those of you who loved research papers in school and want more of that, I found an essay about the legality of the annexation and the history of Crimea’s changing statuses since 1991.