“America First” a.k.a. “Let’s kill all my relationships”

(Image from The Libertarian Republic)

Ever wondered what the future of US foreign affairs would look like if Trump were actually elected? Here’s a look at some of the possible ways we might butcher our international relations.

The US under a Trump presidency:

America: Mexico! Hey! Mexico!
Mexico: What? Is that you, Satan?
America: What did you just call me? Mexico?
Mexico: I can’t—I can’t make out what you’re saying!
America: Damn. It’s really hard to talk to someone with a giant Berlin-esque wall between ya. Okay, Plan B. [pulls out phone and dial’s Mexico’s number]
Mexico: That’s much better.

America: Finally! Hey, listen, we need to talk about something really serious. I know I said I’d give you time to get the money together but the wall was actually more expensive than I thought so I kind of need it. Like, now.
Mexico: Well, that’s a shame because I already made it clear that I’m not paying for your bad decision.
America: No, the real shame is what’ll happen to you if you don’t pay up.
Mexico: You’re really gonna stand behind that wall and threaten me?
America: Look, I don’t want to go to war with you. I respect you. I respect your people.
Mexico: It shows.
America: I just want to blackmail money out of you. It’s totally different.
Mexico: Yeah. Totally.

America: Hey, North Korea.
North Korea: First of all, how dare you.
America: I’ve got some good news, friend-o. Well, good for me. Bad for you.
North Korea: Every time you look directly at me I feel both threatened and violated.
America: Here’s the deal… You’re crazy. You’re a trigger-happy lunatic with some serious anxiety issues and I’m completely convinced that one day something in that sad little circus you call your brain will snap and you’ll press the big red button.
North Korea: Your complete lack of respect for me is appalling. Also appalling are your raging hypocrisy and absurd double standards! I’m overcome with the desire to grab the pencil from my desk and stab you in your eyes.
America: Thank you for further proving my point.
North Korea: Lead poisoning.
America: Yeah, okay. Word of advice? If you want to keep doing the whole “rogue state” thing, you should probably prepare for major repercussions. And I’m not just talking about sanctions—which I’ll be amping up tenfold, by the way.
North Korea: Are you provoking me with threats of war?
America: Uh, I mean, I never said anything about war but—
North Korea: So you do plan to carry out a malicious invasion!
America: Well, shit, okay. Since you seem to adamant about it. Let’s tussle, tough guy! You should know—I love war.
North Korea: One moment. [pulls out phone, makes a call, and begins muttering] Launch… secret… WMD…
America: What was that?
North Korea: Launch the secret arsenal of WMD!
America: Dude!
North Korea: I will answer war with war. Prepare for a sea of flames.
America: I’m soooo scared of your fireworks.
North Korea: [speaks into phone] Set the coordinates for 37° N, 126° E.
America: 37 North… That’s just south of the DMZ, isn’t it? … Oooooooh.

America: Hey, South Korea…Uh, if you happen to see any missiles coming your way anytime soon just know that I had absolutely nothing to do with it. At all.
South Korea: … What?
America: Anyway, we need to talk.
South Korea: Wait… can we go back to the missiles thing?
America: It’s about time I get some compensation for keeping North Korea off your ass all these years.
South Korea: Um?
America: You gotta pony up.
South Korea: What does that even—
America: Pony up, Korea!
South Korea: [alarmed]
America: Look… I’ve got my men out there and they’re ready to defend you, right? We’ve been there for years. All this time we’ve been protecting you without asking for anything in return. But, like, in reality… you could just defend yourself right? If I’m not getting any kind of compensation, I’m wasting my time and resources.
South Korea: Is now a bad time to mention that the reason I need protection in the first place is because your greedy ass partitioned Korea?
America: Are you kidding me? We did that to help you! Not only did we defeat Japan for you —you’re welcome, by the way—we saw that you obviously needed someone to pick up the pieces after WWII. So, I, out of the kindness of my heart, stepped in to help you rebuild your country. Yes, maybe it was through a military occupation that you didn’t ask for, but hey! It worked!
South Korea: I’m going to punch you.
America: The point is that I’m pulling out unless I see some cash.
South Korea: Is that what you tell all the girls?
America: Son of a bitch.

America: China, stop toying with me.
China: How am I toying with you, America?
America: First, you’re screwing me on the trade front. Second, you’re screwing me on the North Korea front.
China: Let’s discuss the issues one at a time.
America: Not much to discuss about trade, buddy. I’m implementing a lotta new policies so I won’t lose trade wars anymore. You suck up American business, jobs, and money like you’re some kind of… evil, currency-manipulating Blob. You’re the Blob of the business world, China. But not anymore!
China: What a fun metaphor. And what about the other issue? The “North Korea front?”
America: You could be—should be doing more to keep him in line.
China: So I’ve been told.
America: China, you need to get rid of Kim.
China: Oh?
America: You need to take Kim out.
China: Is this a real request or are you acting out a scene from that controversial Sony film…?
America: China, China. We both want North Korea to change. We both want him to reform. But the Kim regime is in the way. It’s an awful, terrible dictatorship and nothing good can happen in North Korea until he’s gone.
China: I am not sure that eliminating the Kim regime is feasible or even desirable at this point in time. But if it were, it would have to be achieved through political or economic coercion—not political assassination.
America: No, no, no. Coercion and incentives? Those aren’t enough.
China: Are you seriously suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?
America: China, you gotta… you need to make Kim disappear.
China: And you need to get the hell out.

America: Japan, I’m gonna help you get nukes.
Japan: …What did you do?
America: It’s North Korea. He’s crazier now than ever. Can’t trust ‘im. That’s why you need protection. If you have nukes, I won’t have to be the deterrence anymore. That means I can save all my bombs for ISIS instead.
Japan: I like that idea.
America: I’m also giving them to South Korea.
Japan: I like that idea a little less.
America: You two are the only sane countries over there and I need ya’ll to be, like, a stronghold against anti-American aggression. Besides…
Japan: Besides?
America: Come on. Let’s be real. You were going to end up developing nukes anyway, right? Might as well have you do it on my watch.
Japan: I have been a pacifist for 70 years.
America: Once a bloodthirsty empire, always a bloodthirsty empire.
Japan: There are so many things wrong with what you just said.

America: Israel, I just want you to know that you’re my most reliable ally. Britain? Japan? South Korea? Screw em. It’s all you, baby.
Israel: Well, your support means a lot to me… Even if you refuse to stand by me against Palestine.
America: Aw, man, you know I can’t be pickin’ sides.
Israel: Didn’t your president claim to be the most pro-Israel candidate running? How, I wonder, does that translate to not being able to pick a side?
America: Believe me—I”ll make it up to you.
Israel: How?
America: By bombing the hell out of ISIS.
Israel: Are you serious?
America: Boom! Eat shit, terrorists! And as a bonus? I’m totally gonna screw Iran over on that stupid nuclear deal.
Israel: …There’s a psalm for this. I’m sure of it.

Russia: America! You look different.
America: Ever since Trump was elected, people have been telling me that I look more authoritarian.
Russia: I like it!
America: Aw, thanks. Hey, I know you’ve done some sketchy shit in the past, but you’re not too bad. Your leader, Putin, he’s a cool guy.
Russia: Oh, yes. The coolest. Mr. Trump… he is pretty cool too. Putin likes him.
America: Well, us authoritarians gotta stick together, right?
Russia: Haha, yes!
America: Wow… never thought I’d say something like that. It feels… wrong? But also kind of right?
Russia: Embrace it, America.
America: I… I don’t know…
Russia: We’re all monsters underneath these masks. Search inside yourself for your desire to dominate, to assert, to conquer.
America: Russia, why are you suddenly wearing a black cloak?
Russia: Give in to the power of the Dark Side.
America: That—that isn’t who I am!
Russia: It is! Genocide? Slavery? Internment camps? Carpet bombing? Prohibition?! You’ve had darkness in your heart your entire life! You just needed someone truly evil to awaken your sinister potential.
America: [crumples to the ground, sobbing]
Russia: There, there… I will train you in the ways of global tyranny, my apprentice. You already have so much experience… you are destined to be great!
America: Yes, master…
Russia: Rise, Darth Hidious! Show the world your power!
America: I… I will make the galaxy bend before my might! I will strike fear into the hearts of both enemy and ally! [breathing heavily] And then… I will surpass my master…! Overcome with madness and strength, I will cut her down…!
Russia: Wait a minute—!

[Cue dramatic music]


Are you worried yet? If there’s a want for it, I could do a Clinton version next month.

The Darth Trump picture was inspired by an incredible satire video by The Auralnauts. You can, and should, watch it on Youtube here.

I toiled long and hard over what to name Sith Lord America. In the end, Darth Hidious clicked because it 1) rhymed with Darth Sidious and, 2) well…. think about it.

Most of my research came from various news articles and analysis pieces. Here they are (in no particular order):

Making Mexico pay for the wall

Dealing with North Korea

China, the business blob

China, the dictator assassin

South Korea needs to pay

Putin is cool

Trump on Israel

Japan will make nukes

7 thoughts on ““America First” a.k.a. “Let’s kill all my relationships”

  1. “There’s a psalm for this. I’m sure of it.”
    Funniest line I’ve read in a long, long time, in one of the funniest blogs I ever read. This was awesome…worrisome, but hilarious. Thank you!
    And yes, I for one would be very interested to read the Clinton version of this one.

    Liked by 1 person

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