Welcome to Political Debrief, where the news isn’t really news except when it is.
This month around the world:
Switzerland ate a lot of fondue and worried his neighbors. Even after he started to feel sick, he said that he was determined to keep going, telling everyone that they’ll “never understand.”
China received a surprise present from the United States: a coffee mug sporting the phrase “I
Drama unfolded on Twitter when North Korea made vaguely threatening remarks about his nuclear capabilities being able to reach Seoul and Washington. South Korea’s prompt response was to warn him that he was going to “get f****d.” She later said that the tweet was made out of concern for everyone’s safety, but America had already blown up the issue by making a tweet of his own: “NKorea has an h-bomb but SKorea has an f-bomb 😂😂😂” Nobody found this funny (except America).
It’s been a long time coming, but Japan has finally earned her dead bodies diploma and can now become a qualified grave keeper. Congratulations! But also, why?
Several countries performed at an international gala event. Before North Korea’s piano performance, he told everyone, with misty eyes, that he would be dedicating his piece to the Supreme Leader. Then he unleashed a spectacular rendition of Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up.” Russia was so moved that she stepped onto the stage to perform the vocals. Everyone thought there was something tragically beautiful about the whole thing.
South Korea completed her League of Legends placements for the 2016 ranked season. She placed in Silver II on the Korean servers and Masters I on the North American servers. Good job!
Sealand would like to remind everyone that she is still exists.
South Africa opened up an Etsy shop for selling prints of her artwork. Apparently, she has devoted herself to creating surrealist paintings of buffalos. “It’s a very specific niche, I know,” she said, “but that’s how you make yourself stand out.”
Canada happened upon a polar bear in the supermarket and was quite pleased with its friendliness. It wasn’t until she was at the checkout that it dawned on her how the whole thing might be just a little weird.
Fed up with the biting cold weather, parts of Europe rallied together for a group bonfire in “protest” of the winter.
America visited Mexico’s house asking if he could “hang out” for a little bit in order to escape a cold front back home. Mexico laughed and shut the door in his face.
It seems that a number of countries are planning an adventure park “vacation” to do a teamwork building ropes course challenge. Everyone agrees that this will either go really badly or just kind of badly.