Political Debrief No. 5

Welcome to Political Debrief, where the news isn’t really news. But sometimes it has news in it.

This month around the world:

– Germany cried while re-watching Planet Earth.

– America started a kitchen fire at the UN Headquarters while allegedly trying to make a pork chop sandwich. He made an emergency 911 call during the incident. The call was recorded and transcribed (see below):

Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?

US: Shit, dude, I–okay, uhhh, okay, th-there’s a fire. The United Nations is on fire.

Dispatcher: Has the building been evacuated?

US: I dunno! I–the freakin’ fire alarm is goin’ off, and, and, I stayed back to try and salvage my sandwich, but, like, it’s all black ‘n shit. I can’t eat this!

Dispatcher: Sir, please exit the building.

US: I’m trying but–oh, god, is that…? Is someone else in here? Latvia? Oh, shhhhhhhiiii–I think it’s Latvia. Hey!

Dispatcher: Sir–

US: [muffled, frantic yelling] Latvia! Get the f**k out of here! D’what are you doing?! Go! Get the f**k out of here, you stupid idiot! F**k, we’re all DEAD!

Everything ended up being okay, except the sandwich and America’s sanity.

– India planted a garden and would like everyone to know that his pomegranates are turning out fantastically.


– England looked through his old Spotify playlists and got really embarrassed by the kinds of music he used to be into 6 months ago.

– Poland got over her fear of the dark after realizing that the real monsters are people and the things they do to us.

– Russia tried a new shade of lipstick but only made it as far as the door before promptly turning around to re-apply a color that looked more glaringly like fresh blood.

– Turkey had to temporarily block America’s number on Thanksgiving.


– North Korea talked with Switzerland about the scientific probability of wormholes for an hour straight, only at the end to realize Switzerland had been asleep the entire time.

– Hong Kong has been “privately importing” grindcore metal music specifically to annoy China, who has not yet realized that the horrific sound coming from the vent in his room is actually just pirated Scandinavian music and not a, say, demon.

UPDATE: India would now like to report that his pomegranates are dead. He isn’t saying how or why but has temporarily unfriended Sri Lanka on Facebook. Coincidence?

A/N: America’s 911 called is based on (almost word-for-word) the G.I Joe PSA “Pork Chop Sandwiches.” I really can’t take credit for that.

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