North Korea’s Diary #1 – The American Bastard

Photo by fljckr / CC BY-SA
Photo by fljckr / CC BY-SA

By the 21st century, North Korea had accepted three truths: 1) life is hard, 2) socialism isn’t working as well as originally planned, and 3) the United States is the source of all evil in this world.

2008 financial crisis? America. Global warming? America. Exploitation of developing countries? America. Tension in the Korean peninsula? America. Dubstep? America.


Tucked away on North’s bookshelf was a little black book, cuddled safely between the 8th volume of Kim Il-sung’s With the Century and the original script of The Flower Girl.‘TACTICAL MEMOIR OF DEAR LEADER’S MOST REVOLUTIONARY AND ANTI-IMPERIALIST FASHION IDEAS’ was written along the spine in gold lettering. But this was no memoir. It was a diary, and it contained hundreds of gripping accounts (written in invisible ink) of the DPRK’s struggles with both enemies and allies.

On days when he felt particularly bitter, he would return to older entries to relive his struggles. He swore it helped.

January 30, Juche 57 (1986)

On most morning I like to stroll past the USS Pueblo, just to stop and take a small moment to admire what I’ve accomplished. I do this especially when I need a good laugh, because it always reminds me of my favorite joke:

The United States of America.

January 25, Juche 80 (1991)

Russia and her Soviet Union are weak. Unable to handle their own problems or the growing threat of US aggression, they have failed. They have allowed the United States to trample their bones with boots of Oppression and Consumerism.

I am now the greatest remaining communist stronghold in the world. China? Yang Shangkun is nothing but a tiny baby in the eyes of the Fatherly Leader. Vietnam? Kim makes Ho Chi Mihn’s successors look like a limp worms. Cuba? Castro is a sad potato compared to the Great Leader. Cambodia? Try again.

It is Kim Il-sung who will choke out imperialism in Korea, free South from the United States’ oppressive grip, and put an end to capitalism and its bloodthirsty crusades.

July 8, Juche 83 (1994)

Kim Il-sung is dead.

November 3, Juche 83 (1994)

The United Nations, brainwashed by imperialist, warmongering, pig head America, is continually urging me to allow foreign aggressors into my sacred country to “inspect” my nuclear facilities (even though we’ve been over this before).

The persistence of oppressor Hans Blix is clearly proof that they wish to steal my technology then plant evidence so they can criminalize me.

Not today, white devils.

January 29, Juche 91 (2002)

“Axis of evil”? Whatever.America and that sad excuse for a leader, Geoge W. Bush, are stupid.

I bet they go hunting together in the backwoods of the deep south, getting drunk on “moonshine” while roasting the hopes and dreams of the middle class over an open fire. I bet they play their National Anthem together on the banjo and harmonica, drowning out the pleas and protests of abused union workers.

I bet they drive down country roads in a gas-guzzling pickup truck, manufactured by the pigs at Ford Motor Company, blaring country music about imperialism as the pollution from their monstrosity destroys cropland along the roadside.

I bet they go to Mardi Gras together and try to spread their poisonous propaganda to the uninformed, naive masses.

I bet they tell jokes about me at the bar as they swish down the tears of single mothers and families without healthcare.

I bet they “hang out” in the Oval Office and plot the demise of the third world.

June 30, Juche 96 (2007)

South Korea and that bourgeois wolf sure are getting along well these days. If she likes him so much, why don’t they just get married? I have a special wedding gift for both of them.

July 2, Juche 103 (2014)

Happy early July 4th, bastard 🙂

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